hurrurmph!
Because at the moment that’s mostly how I feel, I have a cold which is giving me a permanent headache (not helped at all by R. spending most of the day complaining…)
My grandmother went in for a mastectomy today (she was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago). I desperately wanted to go over and see her before she went in, but as she’s in Norway and Ned doesn’t have a passport, there was no way of organising it quickly enough. So not particularly happy atm.
R. going back to school (not that he’s there yet) has really knocked me for six. He says that he wants to be there but we (Rik and I) have severe reservations about whether this is the best thing, not least the fact that it wouldn’t be our first choice of school for him - but every concern we had was hushed down by the HE ‘advisor’ and the SEN bod at the recent multi-agency meeting, because local provision for young people on the autistic spectrum is ‘excellent’ (cough, cough).
I know what they said was bollox (to put it politely) and this has been backed up by a number of people (not just HE-ing folk, anyone with an ounce of common sense who knows R. will be rather cynical about school for him).
However, the fact of the matter is that I have reached the end of my tether with him here (and part of me wonders whether he is being so incredibly obnoxious atm to drive home the point that HE wants to go to school). TBH as he is atm I’m rather thankful that he is going because I certainly don’t want him here 24/7 (not least as he winds up and thumps his little sister, which is very far from acceptable and there’s barely anywhere I can take him where he won’t end up throwing a screaming tantrum or shouting very loudly at me, or other people for that matter). Of course he doesn’t see at all that we are simply very worried about him and just rants and raves louder.
If he was my partner, I’d leave.
Not kidding. We’re talking a certain level of abuse here and I am really at the end of my tether.
But he isn’t my partner, he’s my son and regardless of the fact that he is convinced that he is ‘head of the household’ and that everyone should do what he says and if they don’t they are contravening his human rights - of course, he spares little thought for what anyone else might feel or need - I have to keep on trying.
So the headache continues and I’m very cynical as to whether it’ll improve once he is at school - I have grave doubts that it will - still, I’ve been proved wrong before… All we can hope for is that it is a welcome break and that he really enjoys it and that maybe he might come home a bit happier.
Isn’t that the best that any parent can wish for?
(Slings'n'things)
I think it probably is. (((N)))
Comment by jax — October 13, 2006 @ 7:52 pm
Thank you for posting about how you feel. I’ve been having the sort of day that I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone about because nobody would understand. A day when I feel ashamed of finding Willow’s ‘little ways’ too much. A day when I’ve coped with melt down after melt down…reached places of calm and what I felt was understanding..only for there to be another melt down…..the shouting, the high pitched whinnying, the growling, the cheeping…the noises I am supposed to be so bally understanding about..well, today I just wanted the off button to miraculously appear so I could switch it all off. Oh if there were a school for him! Sometimes I could just safely pack him off. But there ain’t, we have also tried, I’m not going to put him through it again cos we reached the end of the line and our options were crap. So, I go around being fake faced about home ed..saying how much we enjoy it..and of course we do..a lot of the time..today, Willow began reading words..properly - real progress - a joy. I love him. But today it didn’t really balance out the last few days of his tyrannical emotional warfare..that he somehow (dx or no dx) cannot really get a handle on without extra extra help from us. But today I am all out of the extra’s and am glad he is in bed now.
Your post really helped, so I want to say thanks..I don’t feel so alone with these feelings now. I am so sorry to hear that you are apart from your grandma at this time….sending you lots of love and a wish that tommorrow is easier on you xxx
Comment by Elderfaery — October 13, 2006 @ 9:12 pm
((hug))
Here now if you want to vent on MSN hon.
Comment by Bonkers Sarah — October 13, 2006 @ 9:14 pm
I am so sorry it is rough going right now. I hope it helps a little, to know that I am thinking of you and I am about ready to send goodie package #1. I’ll email in a couple of days.
With hugs,
Your secret pal
Comment by anonymous — October 14, 2006 @ 3:26 am
((((huge hugs)))) from me.
Comment by Jules — October 15, 2006 @ 11:28 am
Sorry you had a crappy day/s. Haven’t got much insight into autism I’m afraid, no pearls of wisdom from this corner, but lots of respect for you. Have you visited littlecottonrabbits.typepad.com ? She also talks about life with her autistic son.
I hope you get to see your Grandma soon.
x
Comment by Rebecca — October 15, 2006 @ 10:00 pm