I keep thinking, “I’ll blog this!”…
…. and then I get sidetracked and forget. When did life get so very busy - and people wonder why I laugh when people say, “You’re at home with the kids all day? Don’t you get bored?”
I’ve not been bored for some 11 years now and TBH pretty much the only time I have been truly bored was when I was at school (and I did pretty much everything possible to avoid going). I have a boredom-avoidance gene or rather a tendency to avoid doing things I have no interest in - known to some people as ‘laziness’ but only because they’re really rather jealous as they may not have the balls to actually stand up and say, “D’you know what? Life’s too short.”
My father calls it selfish and says I have to grow up sometime (or rather he said it the last time I spoke to him, some 3 years ago). That we all have to face the ‘hard facts’ of life - this sort of comment usually comes in the same sentence (or atleast the same conversation) as ‘children need to go to school to learn what life is really like’/'bullying toughens you up’ - you get the idea.
I’ve been a very superficial blogger of late, mostly because I have so very much going on in my head it can be so bloody hard to put it all into words. It’s been a wierd year, what with moving and then feeling rather ‘out on a limb’ and R. having such a difficult time and Erk deciding he wants to go back to school and me really questioning life (again) - it’s a bugger this non-conforming rebellious streak, people keep trying to stamp on it but it just won’t give up and go (quietly).
And that’s part of the problem with R., Me. Because in so many ways he is very like I was at the same age (minus the bullying crap I was going through at the same age - but then he managed to squeeze in a goodly amount before he was 7). He hates fractions and time-tables, he *can’t* do them, not because he physically can’t, but because he has decided he can’t - and I decided the same thing at school and just refused to learn them, I couldn’t see the point and I’ll have argued the toss with anyone.
My mother says it’s divine retribution - or rather a balancing of karma, someone, somewhere is smiling down on her and whilst I know she wouldn’t wish me any distress, it must be a slight smug kick for my first born to be as much of a PITA at times as I was.
And that’s part of the problem too.
I remember being 11. I remember being 12, and 13 and 14. 15 is a bit of a blur (drunken etc. induced), as is 16. I sobered up a bit at 17 (after all I did have a baby) - point is I do remember what it’s like to be an adolescent and a teen - atleast I remember the crapness of it all.
Yet I could quite cheerfully strangle him at times - the child, who is, after all, quite a bit like me. Same bloody-minded control-freakery I KNOW WHAT’S BEST so f*** the lot of you streak and yet he is so very conservative, so very adherent to the rules as they suit him and everything is so incredibly black and white - not the myriad shades of grey that drive me bonkers so very often and stupid-o’clock-in-the-morning - and I know that’s not necessarily an adult thing, I was like that as a child and Erk is like that now (which worries me slightly).
So maybe we’re not so similar after all.
I never was one for rules and I get ever so uppity if someone tries to tell me what to do.
Which in a rambling way leads me to Statements of SEN.
I wrote a request, I received a form to fill in details, I haven’t filled it in.
Because really I don’t want him to go. I know it’s not the right thing for him either. What we need is a bit of space from each other, but he’s so bloody difficult atm that it’s nigh-on impossible for him to go anywhere to get that space. I always say that school is really a form of mass subsidised childcare - and certainly that’s how I’m viewing it, but I don’t want him to go, it’s still *not right* for him.
But then what is?
The past few months have been a hellish blur (and I consider myself to be an optimistic person) and yet there are rays of sunshine through the clouds. He spent a day helping one of the neighbouring allotmenteers clean out her chickens, rabbits and ducks. He came back with some eggs and the promise that if he continued helping out to demonstrate he could care for them properly he could have a rabbit and some chickens to keep on the allotment (on the proviso he builds a good home for them - and he’s already built a compost heap, so is getting rather handy with the woodwork). He came back so happy, it was wonderful to see, plus I’d had a quiet afternoon with the littlies - the first for a very long time without R. there.
That’s what we need, a bit of space from each other, but that space is bloody hard to find.
Today I had friends round, with their respective children (which made for 5 little girls in the house) and he was great. Spent most of the time in his room reading and watching a DVD. This may not sound like anything special, but recent visits have been positively explosive. So today was a big difference.
He also seems a bit ’sunnier’.
And so I start to doubt again. Doubt the decision to seek a statement that I don’t think will be right for him anyway, but was done in desperation to have a day which isn’t filled with bickering and upset or him thumping his sister (and he’s thumped me too). Maybe it’s hormones kicking in, complicating the already complicated Aspie tendencies (or rather the not very complicated Aspie tendencies, as R. focusses on what he wants and doesn’t necessarily ‘get it’ if it causes chaos for everyone else).
Still with me?
I know I’m meandering (and no I’m not drunk, just ponderous).
*ANYWAY* I’m dawdling on the statement front, my cynicism is kicking in big time and I’m wondering why life is so bloody complicated and why I always have to play the devils advocate and see so many bloody facets to absolutely-bloody-everything.
We have been to the allotment.
This is the allotment that I had a letter from the Parish Council about saying that it appeared to be ‘uncultivated’ (please translate this as in all probability that one of the Parish Council’s members friends wants an allotment). I got a bit miffed and wrote a sharp e-mail back, which resulted in an apology and them pointing out that they had to follow procedure and from peeking through the gap by the gate, etc, and that it *does* say in the letter that they are aware I’ve just had a baby etc. OK, I’ll admit there are alot of nettles, but it’s taken months to get this much done (what with all the rubbish, glass, nettles and other chaos on what had been a neglected plot). OK, there are more than alot of nettles, the plot is mostly nettles, but what is the point in tackling them in the main growing season when I can tackle them at a less productive time of year. Said nettles are also hiding all the bits of allotment covered in assorted cardboard, plastic sheeting and rugs (in an attempt to stifle some of the nettles). I will be keeping a ‘wild’ patch too. Personally I rather like the chaos, it makes me smile and remember how beautiful and bounteous the gifts of Mother Earth are.
This is Sunday’s tray dug up and picked at the ‘uncultivated’ allotment.
We have more chillis (Rik has been taking photos of them)..
And finally, a smiley cat:
(Slings'n'things)
