He Always……
He always wanted to explain things, but no one cared.
So he drew.
Sometimes he would just draw and it wasn’t anything.
He wanted to carve it in stone or write it in the sky.
He would lie on the grass and look up in the sky and
it would only be the sky and the things inside him that
needed saying.
And it was after that he drew the picture.
It was a beautiful picture.
He kept it under his pillow and would let no one see it.
And he would look at it every night and think about it.
And when it was dark and his eyes were closed he
could see it still.
And it was all of him and he loved it.
When he started school he brought it with him.
Not to show anyone, but just to have it with him like a friend.
It was funny about school.
He sat in a square brown desk like all the other square
desks, and he thought it would be red.
And his room was a square brown room like all the other rooms.
And it was tight and close.
And stiff.
He hated to hold the pencil and chalk, with his arm
stiff and his feet flat on the floor, stiff, with the teacher watching
and watching.
The teacher came and spoke to him.
She told him to wear a tie like all the other boys.
He said he didn’t like them and she said it didn’t matter.
After that they drew.
And he drew all yellow and it was the way he felt about the morning.
And it was beautiful.
The teacher came and smiled at him.
“What’s this?”, she said.
“Why don’t you draw something like Ken’s drawing?
Isn’t it beautiful?”
After that his mother bought him a tie and he always drew
aeroplanes and rocket ships like everyone else.
And he threw the old picture away.
And when he lay out alone looking at the sky, it was big
and blue and all of everything, but he wasn’t anymore.
He was square and brown inside and his hands were stiff.
And he was like everyone else.
All the things inside him that needed saying didn’t need it anymore.
It had stopped pushing.
It was crushed.
Stiff.
Like everything else.
*****
The teenaged author of this poem committed suicide.
We’re having a bit of a tough time here atm and the above poem was mentioned on a mailing list I’m on. It makes me cry every time I read it.
Not that long ago I blogged that R. was having a bit of a difficult time. He still is and it isn’t getting better, it’s getting worse, like how he was when we de-registered him from school over 3 years ago. We are awaiting a re-referral to CAMHS and have now requested a Social Services referral in a desperate attempt to get some support for him. We’re also going for a place at a Special School p/t as this may be the only way we get some respite (both R. and the rest of the family) and one of the support workers from a local charity we contacted has been in touch and met R. and taken him out on a bowling trip and agrees that f/t would not be an option for him (atleast initially) and that it might be a solution to offering us all a bit of a break. She knows a few locally HE-ed children on the autistic spectrum and also a local adult HE-er (who I also know) who is dx. Aspergers - it’s great to have someone to talk to at a project like this that doesn’t think that HE-ers have 2 heads 
However, it is very likely that the push from the local authority will be for him to go to mainstream school as being HE it’s very difficult for them to assess how he would cope in a mainstream school situation and they’re likely to prefer to try him in mainstream and then when it’s clear he can’t cope go for a statement. WTF?!
Our concerns aren’t academic, there’s no doubting that he’s an intelligent, articulate, capable boy, HE works folks! I kept repeating to Parent Partnership that it wasn’t anything to do with HE and that we’re planning to HE the younger two (she was surprised and said, “Even though they don’t have Special Needs?” - LOL). He wouldn’t last a week at a mainstream school and TBH I have my reserves about any school, but we’re pretty desperate here. There’s no way he’ll ever set foot in a mainstream school again (as far as I’m concerned). Why do children have to be pushed to the brink of suicide before anything is done? But then I can talk, I’ve waited this long to finally crack and go for an SS referral………
So if I’ve been a bit quiet of late, that’s why (that and how busy I am on top of all of this!)
(Slings'n'things)
Sounds incredibly difficult for all of you - and that poem nearly made me cry. Hope something comes through for you and soon.
Comment by jax — June 9, 2006 @ 1:07 pm
:( Don’t know what to say at all. Hope we never find ourselves in that place - and hope you find yourselves out of it soon. Lots of hugs. Busy is good though, so hope busy is money making busy.
Comment by Merry — June 9, 2006 @ 2:17 pm
((hugs)) Nikki, you know where we are.
Comment by Sarah, Dino & Mimi — June 9, 2006 @ 2:30 pm
Thinking of you all xx
Comment by Jules — June 9, 2006 @ 6:31 pm
stunned , sorry and feel a need to help - Lana thinks the world of R
much love
Dawniy xxx
Comment by dawniy — June 10, 2006 @ 12:12 am
The poem made me cry too. I empathise greatly with what you’re going through and hope things improve for you all soon.
Comment by Lucy — June 10, 2006 @ 6:49 am
I read the first few lines of the poem and just knew I wouldn’t be able to take it so I scanned over. It rang so true from the start though. I had two close friends commit suicide when I was 16 and then 17, we came from a gang of very bright sensitive kids who basically didn’t fit into any school anywhere. Suicide is scary. I know others that have killed themselves and it was only a couple who did it in a cavalier “Sod this for a game of cricket!” kinda way..usually suicide is about shame and low self esteem.
I worry about suicide with Willow and it’s almost like taboo to say it…but the statistics…y’know..there are some statistics that make me question: “Will my child fall into this bracket?”. At the end of the day, life is no bed of roses..in fact it’s bloody crap and too challenging half the time and we’re all s’posed to go around feeling great and victorious for being human.
My sympathies to you for the rough time. Sometimes it gets so challenging with Willow, that I think about asking for help or medication (for me or him or both!) but I have tried that before and in my experience the authorities NEVER truly help. What I really need is someone to do my cleaning and the cooking..so I can concentrate on being the best ‘mum’ and ‘h.e. guidance counsellor’ for my ’special needs’ kid. It’s usual that the psychologists and the social workers moralise and shame you for trying to do ‘their’ job. Oak and I have been through it and now we won’t have anything to do with them..that is why Willow wasn’t diagnosed..although we were assured that he would have been diagnosed with AD/HD, Aspergers or Tourettes. I was like: “Uh? Can he be diagnosed with more than one thing at a time?” “Oh yes.” They said.
Sorry about the long comment, I just wanted to make contact about this and I won’t be offended if you delete it. What I mean to say is: kids go through cycles, ’spesh sensitve kids..and sometimes it’s like hell. I hope that you get through this okay and know that there is a lot of love and respect and good wishes coming your way. xxxxxxxxxxxx
Comment by elderfaery — June 13, 2006 @ 8:54 pm
((hugs)) I hope you have more joy with the authorities than we did. Much of what you have said brought it all back. Everyone who was supposed to help was useless. Sorry to sound so pessimistic.
Comment by Ruth — June 15, 2006 @ 5:53 pm
TBH Ruth I don’t hold out a huge amount of hope on that front because we’ve already been in a similar situation over 3 years ago when we de-regged him from school. From (trying not to be) bitter experience I know how difficult it is to get support.
Comment by dottyspots — June 15, 2006 @ 11:31 pm
respite holidays are available through a company called IJ Social ltd I use them for respite for my 12yr old son who is autistic and displays challenging behaviour check them out 01226 201669 ive always found them accomodating and the workers actually care and like their jobs i hope this helps people
Comment by david bracken — October 27, 2006 @ 9:34 am
i use a company called ij social for respite for my 12 yr old son check them out and maybe they can help you i love my son but its good to get away for a few weeks a year
Comment by david bracken — October 27, 2006 @ 9:36 am